


Makes my heart die

by thejollysailor



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Battle of Five Armies Fix-It, Cheating, F/M, Female Bilbo, Genderbending, Implied/Referenced Cheating, fem!Bilbo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-15
Updated: 2014-01-20
Packaged: 2018-01-08 20:55:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1137293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thejollysailor/pseuds/thejollysailor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The King under the Mountain discovers his wife's indiscretions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Thorin stares blankly at the document that his counsellor, some jumped up merchant from the Iron Hills whose name he cannot remember, has just laid before him. He cannot believe it, will not believe it. Not his Billa, never her, anyone else he might suspect of such abominable behaviour but never her. What his counsellors are suggesting is obscene, monstrous: he would have them all executed were it not for the evidence that lays before him. If it were all so impossible then why is some treacherous part of his mind telling him that it is the truth? That it makes sense in some horrible twisted way and that the evidence before him speaks the truth? That the product of the councils secret investigations (how dare they go behind his back, how dare they sully his pride by even suspecting his queen of such misconduct?) would explain many of Billa’s recent excuses for not spending the night and evening in his company?

As the questions swarms his already troubled head, he feels an overwhelming anger overtake him. His mind screams at him to grab Orcrist and slay whoever dared take to bed with his consort. ‘And Billa too?’ he asks himself, but his inner fury has no answer to his question. There had to be an explanation, something that might excuse Billa for her betrayal (he knows, deep inside that there is not).

He rests his forehead in his hand and draws a heavy sigh. He is king. He knows that no mercy will be expected of him, at least not for whomever had had the nerve to bed his queen. He knows that most will demand no mercy for Billa either.

“Who?” he asks, his voice raspy and dangerously low. He prays that they will understand so that he will not have to elaborate on his question. Yet none of his council members speaks. He looks up and let his gaze run over them all.

“Who is he?” he asks again, and lock eyes with the merchant Haffran, whose name Thorin suddenly remembers. Haffran’s eyes glide nervously about the room before he steels himself and answers him. 

“Your Majesty’s nephew, the Prince Fíli.”

The world disappear beneath Thorins feet. 


	2. Chapter 2

Thorin’s hands are still shaking with anger, even after Dwalin held him back from storming to Fíli’s quarters, Orcrist drawn and every fibre of his body screaming for revenge, for him to not rest until his nephew lay dead on the ground, his miserable life bleeding away onto the ground.

He still cannot quite fathom it; Fíli and Billa. The very thought of it leaves a taste of blood in his mouth and he has to resist the urge to be sick several times when he looks through the evidence that his counsellors has found. It seems that through some months, Billa and his nephew has had regular meetings in her chambers, even meeting on the secret staircase that leads from Thorin's bedchamber to hers. According to the evidence, one of Billa’s ladies in waiting had assisted them in their secret affair, carrying letters back and forth and standing guard whenever they would meet.  
He shifts between anger and desperate denial, between the temptation to kill them both himself and believing all of this to be a sick joke. That is until he sees the letter. He recognises Billa’s handwriting at once, and he knows then that there is no way back: this is not some plot invented by scheming courtiers. There is no way for him to deny the allegations made against them. This betrayal, as unthinkable as it might have seen just mere moments ago is real. 

 

_Master Fíli,_

_I was told by one of my ladies that you are sick, and that that was the reason for your absence at court. I pray that you send me word on how you do, for I have never longed so much for a thing as I do to see you and to speak with you, that which I trust shall be in a short time. This thought gives me much comfort at this time, and will surely comfort me when you must depart from me again. **It makes my heart die to think that I cannot always be with you**. My trust is always in you that you shall be as you promised me, and in that hope I trust still, and pray that you will come see me when Lady Gidda is here, for then I shall be best at leisure to be at your commandment._

_Yours for as long as life endures,_

_Billa._

The letter is dated three months ago, from when Fíli had been sick with a very nasty cold that would not go away. He suddenly remembers that Billa had been awfully quiet and dull during that time.  
Haffran tells him that the letter had been found in his nephew’s chambers by a chambermaid, who had found it beneath the prince’s pillow. The parchment is soft and crinkled: it has been read many times over. Thorin thinks that he can almost see Fíli caressing it, smiling at the words and falling asleep with it resting upon his heart. The vision makes Thorin’s blood boil with anger yet again, and he forces himself to rid his mind of the vision. He cannot, he will not envision them like that, together. _In love_. Any thought of it only makes the bile rise in his throat.

The truth is incomprehensible. That two of the few people Thorin blindly trust in this world, loves more than he can say should betray him in such a way. He has to lean on the table for support, to steel himself. He cannot allow his council members to see more of his distress.

“What would you have us do, Your Majesty?” one councilmember asks.

He almost laugh at the question. He is king, he is supposed to know the answer to any crisis yet now he is utterly lost. The situation borders on absurdity: no one had ever prepared him on how to deal on betrayals of this kind! Yet he must make a decision: the situation is bad enough already without his council and court finding that their king is indecisive and weak where he should be clearheaded and harsh.

“Arrest them both. They are to be confined in their chambers while the council makes further investigations.” Thorin says, his voice much more steady than he thought it would be. Yet why should it not be?

He is only doing what must be done. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter! Enjoy!
> 
> Billa's letter to Fíli is inspired by a letter that Catherine Howard, the 5th wife of Henry VIII, wrote to Thomas Culpepper. I would have liked to use the letter in it's original form but Catherine's grammar and writing style is terrible and I couldn't find any versions that had the grammar and word order corrected.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Billa and Fíli are arrested.

 

“One step, twirl. Two-step, twirl. One step, one step, one step, twirl!” the dancing master instructs.   
Billa and her ladies follow, twirling and gliding as best as they can. She cannot help but think that neither dwarves nor hobbits were ever meant to dance the complicated court dances that the dancing master from Dale is trying to teach them. They are all short-limbed, and while she is more light-footed than her ladies in waiting are, she still feels clumsy and sweaty and out of breath. Still she tries to make a joke out of it, exaggerating the master’s instructions with a look of dreaminess on her face and making all of her ladies laugh when he praises her elegance. Poor Sigg, the little one with a gap between her teeth, laughs so hard that she falls over and soon all of the ladies follow her, laughing hard as the dancing master looks on, confused.

“You must f-forgive us, sir - No Laleh, no tickling - might we take a short break?” Billa says, trying desperately not to laugh and keeping Laleh’s hands away from her ticklish sides. The dancing master does not have time to answer her before the door is thrown open, and one of Thorin’s advisors steps in, followed by Dwalin and two other members of the king’s guard.

"Your majesty." the advisor greets, and there is a malicious sort of joy in his voice and he has a dangerous look in his eyes, like that of a wolf about to devour a lamb.

Billa stares at them, before remembering her undignified position on the floor and standing.

“What is the meaning of this?” she asks, her voice shaking slightly.

“Her majesty is in the middle of her dancing lesson, sir. Can it not wait?” Gidda asks coldly from behind her.

“It is no more time for dancing, your majesty. I have orders to inform you that you are under arrest for your offences against his majesty, the king. You are to be confined to your apartments with only Lady Gidda as companion. You are to stay here while the council investigates, or at his majesty’s leisure.”

Billa faints into Gidda’s arms. 

 

 

**x**

 

 

“You’re getting slower, Fee!” Kíli taunts as he flicks his blade, making Fìli loose the grip on his own. He curses, and tries to ignore Kíli’s victorious grin as he picks up his sword. He would wipe that stupid grin of his brother’s face if more serious matters than besting his brother in a sparring match didn’t occupy his thoughts.

The panic, which had overtaken him at the disappearance of Billa’s letter, still lay heavily on his mind. He had searched his chambers frantically when he had discovered that it was missing, but to no avail (he had however rediscovered the lock of hair that Billa had gifted him, which he had dropped on the ground when he had kissed her fervently after she had given it to him. It was a little dusty, and the pale pink colour of the ribbon was somehow faded, but he had put it in a locket that he made sure to carry with him at all time. He couldn’t be too careful.)

“Want another chance at besting your little brother?” Kíli asks him with a cheeky grin, but Fíli shakes his head, still out of breath. Kíli only shrugs in response before passing Fíli the waterskin that he had been drinking from. Fíli gratefully accepts it, gulping down the remaining water in three long gulps.

“So,” Kíli prompts, sitting down on the bench next to the training ground “what is it?”

“What is what?”

Kíli rolls his eyes.

“What is it that bothers you so?”

“Nothing is bothering me. I’m fine.”

“You are a terrible liar, Fee. Or maybe I just know you too well. Fact is you wouldn’t lose to me unless something serious was preying on your mind. So, what is it?”

“Nothing is bothering me. Just leave it.”

“But-“

“I said leave it, Kee!” Fíli snaps while rising from the bench, grabbing his sword. He tries to ignore the pang of guilt that is spreading in his gut: after all, it isn’t Kíli’s fault that the letter is missing. It isn’t Kíli’s fault that Fíli loves a woman that is bound to another man. Bound to his king. To his uncle.

‘It should have been me!’ Fíli’s mind roars, as he practises his swings in the air. She should have been his, he loved her first, long before Thorin set his eyes on her and made her his queen. He should be the one to bed her without having to hide, he shouldn’t have to hide in cold corridors and whisper confessions of love and the promises of a life that could never be. He loved her so much better than he ever could!

Fíli cannot help the tears of rage that wells up in his eyes. Rage against Thorin for taking what should have been his, against Billa for stealing his heart, against himself for loving his uncle’s wife. _But she is so much more than that,_ his mind whispers. She is Billa, their sweet, brave, and clever burglar, who had saved their lives many times over, who had dared to defy his uncle when he had not. Who had confessed her loneliness and love for him in a shadowed corridor before kissing him with a sweetness and desperation that had left Fíli short of breath. She wasn’t just Thorins, she was his as well.

He is torn from his thoughts when he registers a movement at the corner of his eye. He turns and finds Balin standing there, with such a sorrowful and disappointed look on his face that Fíli immediately knows why is there.

“Balin!” Kíli happily exclaims, “What brings you here?”

Balin gives Kíli a short glance before turning towards Fíli again.

“You best come with me, lad.” He says resignedly.

“What for? Balin, what is the matter?” Kíli says worriedly while looking back and forth between Balin and Fíli. The lost and confused expression on his face nearly breaks his heart.

Fíli throws his sword onto the ground where it lands with a hollow clatter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter! Yay! More angst! 
> 
> Billa's arrest was in part inspired by a scene from The Tudors and the actual arrest of Catherine Howard.


	4. Chapter 4

Billa is pacing around her chambers: she must have walked many miles by now, listening to Gidda’s sobbing all the while. She has long since given up hope of comforting her: Gidda won’t listen to her comforting words, she only keeps on bawling and muttering apologies and useless denials of having anything to do with the investigations. Billa herself feels much too numb to cry.

She is not fully convinced that Gidda has nothing to do with their discovery. She is sure that no one else knows; they had been so careful. Gidda was the only one whom she had let in on her secret and Gidda had willingly agreed to act as their messenger and guard, sometimes even encouraging Billa and arranging meetings with Fíli behind her back. If Gidda has told someone about them, she must be a fool not to realise that she would not go unpunished for her own role in the affair. No, even Gidda could not be that stupid. They must have found out some other way.

She thinks of the letters she has sent Fíli, often in the middle of the night when she was lonely and unable to meet with him. They must have got a hold on some of them, surely. She shudders at the thought of someone else than Fíli reading those letters, of _Thorin_ reading them. She thinks of Thorin’s fury when he had discovered that she had given the Arkenstone away as a bargaining tool to those he thought to be his enemies and how that betrayal must pale in comparison to this one. She feels the need to be sick when she thinks what Thorin might have done to Fíli in his fury: he had almost thrown her down from the gates of Erebor, for goodness sake! It is entirely plausible that he would deal with his nephew in a similar way for even thinking of touching her.

Billa dumps down in a chair. The image of Fíli, lying bloodied and broken on a cold stone floor with Orcrist impaling his chest is too much for her and the continued sound of Gidda’s sobbing is driving her insane.

If only she could see Thorin and explain to him. There might be a chance that he would listen to her. If he understood how lonely she was, if he knew how hard it was for her to settle in the mountain, to gain the trust of a people that wasn’t truly hers after being branded a thief and a traitor. How she had hoped that their relationship could be the same as it had been before the battle but that she had realised too late that it never would be… maybe he would see reason. If she could convince him that everything could be as before, that everything could be good again. Maybe she could persuade him to at least spare Fíli’s life ( _fool,_ a voice inside of her snarled, _he will never, you betrayed him, he will kill you when he sees you and fíli too, he will never understand, he could never understand_ ). Billa ignored the voice. It may be right, but it was worth a try. She was still his Billa, his sweet little burglar whom he would do anything for as he had so often reminded her. It may be foolish, but Billa can see no other solution to this desperate situation.  

She has to see Thorin.

 

X

 

“The arrests has been done as your majesty requested.”

Thorin looks up at Haffran with tired eyes. He does not like the look of quiet satisfaction the man has on his face, but he does not comment on it. How long had they been planning this, he wonders. How long had they been scheming at getting rid of their queen, searching desperately for something, anything that might lead to her downfall? Would they had presented him with an even lesser offence, a mere trifle blown out of proportions in their blind dislike of her, if they had not stumbled upon and unravelled her relations with his nephew?

“Were there any complications?” he asks.

“No, milord.” Haffran answers and Thorin does not miss that he looks a tad disappointed. No wonder he would have liked it if Fíli and Billa had tried to resist their arrests, to tell him that they tried to escape, to reach each other, making their betrayal sting even more.

Thorin nods and sighs. He feels a bone deep tiredness where he before felt anger, and somehow it is worse. He much preferred the blind anger to the questions that followed his calmer mood.

_How long? How much? How could they? What has he done to deserve this? Has he not suffered enough without being cursed with such a betrayal? What had he done wrong for his wife to take to bed with his nephew? How could his nephew betray him in such a way, had he not loved him almost like a son? Who had known? Why why why?_

 

Thorin makes his excuses to Haffran before retiring. Once he is inside the privacy of his chambers he pours himself some ale from a flagon standing on a table next to the bed. He is just about to take a sip, or drown it all in one gulp, when the door next to his bed, the one that leads to Billa’s chambers flies open. Billa tumbles into the room, followed almost instantly by two guards, who grab her before Thorin can even express his shock at seeing her there.

“No, please! Thorin, it’s me, it’s me, it’s Billa. It’s your Billa! I must speak with you, please!” she is screaming, trying desperately to struggle out of the guards hold. He cannot help but notice how worn she looks; there are dark circles under her eyes and her curly hair is tangled and messy. There are tears in her green eyes, and Thorin almost feels moved by the look of utter desperation and sorrow on her face before he remember why it is there.

Without a word, Thorin turns away, ordering the guards to take her away with his back to her. He empties the contents of the goblet with her desperate pleads still ringing in his ears.


	5. Chapter 5

 

Thorin woke up with a grim headache and a dry mouth. He bitterly regretted emptying the entire bottle of ale, plus the three other ones he had ordered his servant to bring after he had finished the first one. He sat up, groaning and realised that the vicious pounding sound he had thought was coming from his head actually came from the other door. He stood up and staggered towards the door. Opening it he found his sister standing outside looking even more displeased than she had when he had allowed Kíli to join his quest to Erebor. He opened his mouth to ask her if she might come back later, but was cut off when Dís pushed the door open wider, walking into his chamber uninvited, still glaring at him.

“Ah, how lovely to find you awake, brother dear,” she said in a tone of mock affection “I was hoping to do so, for I have a question for you. Why is it that when I went to see my son this morning I was told by the member of _your_ guard that I couldn’t speak with him because he was under arrest for _treason_?”

Thorin sighed tiredly. He had almost forgot what had transpired the day before until Dís showed up. She was still glaring at him, eyebrow lifted and tapping her foot in a manner that reminded Thorin painfully of Billa.

“Well?” Dís prompted.

“You best sit down.” Thorin tells her, sitting down himself. Dís makes no move to join him.

“Thank you, no. I am perfectly content standing up. Now, are you going to tell me why you have arrested my son?”

Thorin sighs again, and rubs at his face with his right hand. He cannot seem to find the right way to tell his sister of the council’s discovery.

“I have confined Fíli to his apartments while the council investigates Fíli’s apparent relations with my wife.”

Dís eyebrows raise even higher, if possible.

“Relations? What relations?” she asks.

Thorin’s reaches into one of the pockets of his coat, where he had hidden Billa’s letter to Fíli and hands it to her. Her face full of confusion Dís takes the letter and starts reading it, casting weary glances at Thorin every few seconds. Once she is done her arms hang limply from her sides, and Thorin have not seen her looking so lost since her husband died.

“Those fools. Those poor, poor fools.”

Thorin raises an eyebrow at her statement. They are fools, yes, but he has a hard time sympathizing with them. They had deliberately betrayed his trust and broken their promises to him.

“Thorin, you cannot… you must… oh Mahal, how could they? How could they be so stupid?” Dís mutters, sitting down in the chair opposite of Thorin while fidgeting nervously with the braid at her temple.

“What will we do, Thorin?” she says, sounding hopeless.

Thorin has no answer for her, let alone for himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And Dís finally makes an appearance in this horribly short chapter.
> 
> I had such a hard time deciding what my Dís should be like; I love the hardcore woman, who always knows what to do and is willing to literally kick some sense into anyone who might not listen to her, that some fanfiction authors write her as but I wanted to go for a little different approach. Don't worry - she will still be there to beat up anyone who needs it!

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't resist continuing this. Updates will probably be a bit infrequent.


End file.
